Question

Is it weird for me to have a massive crush on Lindsay Buckingham?

I mean, hello...

I really want to see Fleetwood Mac live, pretty much for the sole purpose of watching him and Stevie Nicks do Silver Springs and Go Your Own Way, both of which are pretty much my life these days.

Also, OMGSWINEFLU. Everyone chill the fuck out. 13ish cases in the United States is hardly a pandemic. Remember when we were going to have a bird flu pandemic? Remember when we were all terrified of SARS? Remember that time West Nile Virus was running rampant? Swine Flu is treatable. People who have died of it, mainly in Mexico, died because Mexico doesn't have adequate health care. It's the flu, idiots. It's fine. Wash your damn hands if you're that worried about it.

You know what I really want to do right now?

Scream.

But on the plus side, for kicks and giggles, and also because it's a reflex when I get on the computer, I checked my enrollment status on Brooklyn's website, and this is what I see...

I know that I've known for over a week, but it's nice to see it in writing, especially after over a month of looking at "your application is under review."

Happy Birthday, Dad!!!

You're a wonderful father and I love you. Wish I could be there.

Ughhhhhhhhh.

Dear boy,
Can we please stop the yo-yoing? Thanks.
Love, me.

ETA: Everytime you make a comment about Sarah Palin saying she could see Russia from her house, God kills a kitten. A.) Sarah Palin made the VERY TRUE statement that in some parts of Alaska, you can see some parts of Russia. B.) It's been over six months. Shut the fuck up.

kthanks.

Fangirling at RENT

Tonight I remembered how much I love Anthony Rapp, more so than the other two nights I went to Rochester. I was just watching him during the opening number, and I literally felt like my heart was going to burst. I know I wrote about his book in my last entry, but I'll say it again-it really inspired me and it made me feel less...alone, I guess. No other individual actor/public figure, with MAYBE the exception of Bruce, has had that impact on me, and I will always love him for it.

That being said, I also think he's attractive and I have a crush on him and like to ignore his homosexuality.

So tonight, the show ended, and Anthony and the rest of the cast went off on their BC/EFA talk ('tis the season), and I was really excited to see what the item up for auction was tonight. Last Tuesday it was a backstage pass for the whole show, and on Wednesday, it was a chair from the set that the cast had autographed. Tonight, Anthony Rapp does his little speech, and then goes "so tonight, we're going to auction the pants I'm wearing," then proceeds to TAKE THEM OFF on the stage.

I repeat, HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF ON STAGE.

I saw him without his pants on. It was epic. I squealed a little bit. But mostly I sat in stunned silence.

Also, I met my friend Julia, and I was excited.

The Epic 2-Day RENT Spectacularness.

I love this show, in case anyone was wondering or confused, and I love Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal. When I saw the show last March, knowing that it was closing in a few months, I didn't think I would have the opportunity to see it ever again. It felt like the last time. Then they announced the tour and it had a stop in Rochester, so I got a ticket with Jamie for Wednesday. My friend Lauren Abelow wanted to go, and told me they were doing discount night on Tuesday, and Balcony tickets were only $17, and I really couldn't turn that down, so I ended up going two nights in a row. And I'm so thankful for that. In fact, Lauren and I are thinking of going back once more this weekend. She wants to see it again, as do I, and I also want to see my friend who lives in Rochester but is going to the show on every night that I am not. I want to take advantage of this show while some incarceration of it is near me. It's playing in Boston in July. I WILL go then, so I know last night wasn't the last time or anything, but frankly, with the exception of Bruce Springsteen, there is not a single piece of pop culture that I love more than this show, and I still want to see it as much as possible. I thought it would still be there when I got to New York. I thought Spring Awakening would be, also.

I really can't even describe how much this show means to me. I've learned so much from it, and there isn't a song or line that I don't relate to on a personal level, and the last two nights, some of them hit me kind of hard due to recent events that I won't go into. I honestly do not think I would be the person I am now if Keith hadn't forced me to go see the movie with him on December 5th, 2005 (yes, I remember the date- it was a life-changing event). It truly brought me out of one the deepest depressions I've ever been in and made me feel alive again. And then a few months later, Anthony Rapp published his book about his mother dying of cancer, and it was probably the most touching book I've ever read, and also helped a lot with what I was going through at the time.

Anthony and Adam have always been my favorite cast members, but they left the show in the late 1990s-way before I got into it. I remember thinking that I would have given anything to see them in those roles. And then by some stroke of divine fortune, they came back to reprise their role for 6 weeks in the summer of 2007. I went to go see them, and it was the first time I had actually seen the show, and it was one of the best days of my life (thanks again, Keena). I felt so fortunate that I had the opportunity to see them once, never imagining that by the time my RENT experience ends, I'll have seen them probably at least 6 times, and met both of them.

It may seem like Spring Awakening is my favorite show. I love them both. I've had a much deeper involvement with Spring, seeing every incarceration of the cast, meeting almost every cast member who has ever performed at the Eugene O'Neill, seeing the closing show. I came into the RENT fanbase too late. By the time I really got into it, RENT was celebrating it's tenth year on Broadway. I missed too much. I'm much more involved in the Spring Awakening fanbase, but I identify with RENT on a level that I don't identify with Spring Awakening on. Spring Awakening improved my life, RENT changed it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I had a fantastic time in Rochester. Anthony and Adam were nothing but sweet at the stage door, I love every member of the cast (I mean, it's pretty much an all-star tour with some newbies thrown in, and I've seen a number of them before), I love everything about the show. The stage door was fun. I don't have any pictures to share, as those divas won't take pictures with their fans :-) I totally understand that. There's so many people there that it would take hours, and I totally appreciate the fact that they even come out and sign autographs in the first place. I'm not one of those people who believes that performers are obligated to stage door. I don't think they're entitled to sign autographs because fans pay their salary. They get paid to put on a good show, and that's all. What happens after is entirely up to them. But anyway, I really appreciate that they both came out and signed autographs, and I got this kick-ass autographed window card out of it.

If I go again this weekend, I'll probably have more to say.

Spring Awakening in a little over a week. SO excited.

So. Excited.

4 months until orientation!

ohmygod.

I got in to Brooklyn!
I GOT IN TO BROOKLYN!!!!!!!!!

I have a future.

I'm moving to New York.

I don't know whether to jump up and down or cry.

I may have to do both.

Pirates Aren't Cool Anymore.

http://news.aol.com/article/us-ship-reaches-kenya-minus-kidnapped/422848

Remember that time that the captain was THE FATHER OF MY FRIEND?

Holy shit holy shit holy shit.

I mean, obviously we're not really close or anything, because I totally would have known before now, although I did know something was up with his dad, I just didn't know what, but I know him. He's one of the College Republicans officers, for Christ's sake. We say hi in public, we chat sometimes. I feel terrible. He's pretty much the nicest kid ever. And I know he was really looking forward to going away Term III, but I doubt he's doing that. And the poor kid was uber-stressed during exam week anyway, and then for that to happen? It's sickening. I feel so bad for him. I can't even imagine.

Prayers, everyone. Please.

Breathing and relaxing.

First of all, it a.) feels good to be home, and b.) feels great to actually be home for Zombie Jesus Day, sorry, Easter for the first time in 4 years.

Second of all, regarding the Bruce Springsteen rumors: They're obviously not true. Let's consider the source. Oh, someone who has an assault charge and numerous domestic abuses filed against him from his wife? Yeah, sounds credible. Bruce obviously loves Patti. Listen to Kingdom of Days. Watch the music video for that song. Anyone who has seen them onstage together can see it.

Third, men. That's all I'm going to say about that.

And also...

That Law and the Courts paper I pulled the all-nighter for?

I got a 98. Ninety fucking eight. I found this out when Dr. Twombly emailed me and said "By the way, 98/100 on your paper. Outstanding."

But that's not all...

DrJTwombly (12:19:28 AM): np - i assume you got my eamil abuot your paper
heatherj8987 (12:19:36 AM): i did. excellent news.
DrJTwombly (12:19:50 AM): rare that i record a 98 on such things
heatherj8987 (12:20:57 AM): it makes me feel good, since i tell everyone that relations between the branches are my research interests
DrJTwombly (12:21:03 AM): cool
DrJTwombly (12:21:52 AM): think about this overnight - i may ask that you fix the minor errors and allow me to use it as an example for students to show that it can be done and how it should be done
heatherj8987 (12:22:19 AM): i can do that
DrJTwombly (12:22:53 AM): well think about it anyway - especially given that you wish to be a prof - we can dicsuss it tomorrow when you stop by
heatherj8987 (12:22:58 AM): sounds good

He wants to use it as an example for future classes.
We won't tell him when I started or how much effort I put into it.

Also, A- in Individualism and Community. Basically, the same grade I've gotten in every Mitchell class, so no surprise there. But the good news is that I'm expecting an A- in History of England, and after the above conversation, an A in Law and the Courts. I have no idea about Senior Seminar, but I usually get A-'s for Shep, so my GPA should be pretty good this term. He seemed to like the draft of my paper, I've done well on homework, and participated a little bit. I should be fine.

Magna Cum Laude, bitches :)

Oh my god.

One time, I had a really thin envelope from my first choice school in my mailbox. So, I freaked out, but I didn't open it because all of my friends were around. Then I kind of panicked, but I went to dinner, went to night class, went to my friend's cottage for a celebratory "we're done with Senior Sem!"/study session, went to MacKenzie's for water around ten, ran into Jeremy, started crying in front of him because I thought I didn't get into my first choice school, pouted on my friend's couch, drank away my sorrows with some wine, blew off studying for my final tomorrow because I didn't feel it mattered, went to my room, checked my email, saw that Dr. Twombly had emailed me, read it, it said "98/100 on your term paper. Outstanding." So then I cried because I do outstanding work but have no future in my field. Started job searching. Jeremy searched for programs where the deadline hadn't passed (he's an amazing friend, and I love him for this). Then I cried some more. Subtly, so Kayleigh wouldn't see and ask what was wrong.

Then Kayleigh went to sleep, so I opened the letter because I was finally alone.

"Dear Heather, I am pleased to inform you that your application to the Political Science program for Fall 2009 has been forwarded to the department of your choice for official review and decision..."

Not a rejection letter. Not an acceptance either...just what I see when I log onto the website every five minutes. So the wait continues, but at least it wasn't bad news.

Totally just wasted seven hours of my life being upset about nothing.

Sigh. Of. Relief.

My senior research paper is done!!!

12 weeks of hard work.
At least one essentially sleepless night.
Hinding in remote corners of the library with 6 packs of Mountain Dew.
Feeling like Dillon Meyer and I are best friends.
Reading countless government documents.
21 pages.
Struggling through endnotes.
Tears.
Headaches.
75% of my Senior Seminar grade.
Done.
And done well, I think.

Masochism?

Sometimes I get nostalgic and read back through old emails and my old livejournal from high school. Most of these things pertain to the same subject, or person really, and I don't really know why I do this to myself, because it brings up all of these old feelings that I occasionally still feel, but it makes me feel them 1000 times more. Sometimes, I think we should have tried again. Sometimes, I think you were an idiot for breaking up with me. Sometimes, I'm glad that it didn't last. Sometimes, I think you're a major douchebag and I make fun of you behind your back with my (our) friends, like a normal bitchy 21 year old college student. And sometimes, I want to get back together. I know everyone would judge me for that. I don't care. Kayleigh's the only one who really gets it.

Come back from Florida.

I don't sleep, ever.

I really haven't been sleeping well lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe anxiety. Maybe I get too hyper at night. My room is too messy. Who knows? Thankfully, I literally have nothing to do tomorrow. I'm going to write my internship proposal, finish my thesis paper, and clean my room. But I can sleep in. I'm so excited. Today I woke up at 8 to deal with Research Methods and Individualism. My life should theoretically feel easier right now, but I'm so stressed about the graduate school thing that it just doesn't. Once that is settled, for better or worse (and I'm starting to think it might be worse), I'll feel a little better and won't have to get butterflies everytime I open my mailbox.

So anyway, I'm lying on my bed, and my shorts are too big. That's a good thing, I think. Basically, I'm just staring at the ceiling, listening to Bob Dylan, and pondering the differences between him and Springsteen, and why I've been listening to Dylan for longer but prefer Springsteen. I think I've got it figured out. They're both mediocre singers but amazing lyricists who provide (whether you agree or disagree) pointed social commentary in a manner that is educational and reflective. They both write amazing, relatable lyrics. However, I think the key difference lies in the fact that Springsteen actually means what he says. Dylan, in many interviews, has said many variations of "I just write what sounds good." While I love the man, that makes him seem like he's just not genuine. Springsteen is. Listen to Land of Hope and Dreams. Listen to Jungleland. Listen to Thunder Road. Listen to The Last Carnival. Talk about someone who really puts emotion behind his wordis.

But anyway, right now, I'm happy. I have my bed. My work is almost over. Term III is soon. I think I'm losing weight. It's a windy night, and I actually like when the wind howls at night. Dylan is singing to me. I just need a clean room and a candle, and a glass of wine or cup of coffee, and life would be perfect. I'm enjoy the solitude, the break, and the quiet right now.


I think I think too much. Unless I'm doing yoga, I can never just...be. With yoga, I'm in the mindset that I'm not supposed to think about anything, and that works for me, but without yoga, I can't get myself into that mindset. I feel like my mind is always running at 85mph, and it just doesn't slow down. Maybe that's why I can't sleep. When the room is silent, I think wayyyy too much, but then I put on music, and I'm left contemplating why exactly it is that I prefer Springsteen over Dylan, or if it's true that Matt Doyle is going to be Hugo in the Bye Bye Birdie revival, or why exactly it is that my windows rattle constantly, or how many ghosts there are in Cowles Hall and if the restoration is going to cause them to be displaced, or why exactly did that relationship that ended four years ago fail, and why does he insist on bringing it up every five minutes. Can't we just have a normal friendship-thing for Christ's sake? Sometimes I even imagine these hypothetical situations that would never, ever happen. Strangely enough, I never really think about things that should be keeping me up at night, like student loan debt, grades, the economy, the war, global warming...but still, I can't sleep because I think too much. I think sometimes I need to just settle down, breathe, and relax. And if I'm not thinking, I have a steady stream of song lyrics running through my head, regardless of whether I'm listening to music or not. Sometimes I worry I have ADHD. Maybe when I need to sleep, I should get into Corpse pose and just pretend I'm doing yoga. That might be my new strategy.

I think I'm going to attempt it.

I'm in Hell.

But I'm getting there...
2 more papers. 1 more exam.
My room is a mess. Epic disaster, actually.
I'm exhausted.
I just had my student loan exit counseling.
Suicide seems to be a viable option right now.
If I'm dead, I don't have to pay my loans back.
Anyway, I'm going to go eat lunch while I can still afford it.

Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?
-Chuck Palahniuk.

On nights like this...

When I can't find any of the things I need to write paper a., I can't figure out my statistical software that I need to use for paper b., and I get so incredibly sick of school, I really envy Jack Kerouac. Right now, I would love nothing more to just climb into my car (or someone else's car preferably) and go on some drunken, hedonistic road trip to New Orleans or San Francisco or Portland or something. And sometimes, it scares me how much I want that. I don't think the Kerouac or Edward Abbey I've read this term has been good for me. Or maybe it has. Sometimes, I wish I had no obligations. And I know life doesn't get any easier, and that scares me too.

But on the plus side, I got an A in Pilates, and around 5pm tomorrow, I will only have my Senior Seminar paper to finish and one in class exam. It's just getting to that point that might be hard.

Also, my computer is a champ and I love it so much. I promised to sacrifice my first born if it didn't break last night, and it listened. Good thing I don't want kids anyway, mainly because the idea of responsibility makes me want to go on a drunken hedonistic road trip (see above).

Really, this is what I would like to submit in place of my papers...

I think it would suffice in a political science class.

Tonight I ate about 30 pixie sticks. It's probably a good thing I don't do drugs. I would never, ever be able to stop. I'll keep my sugar and caffeine addiction, thank you very much. Term III, I'm going to the gym on a daily basis, if I can find the time between sleeping in my bed and sleeping in the grass by the puddle. I can't wait. So close...

Woot.

Today, Kayleigh and I got new sunglasses...

Like them? Aren't they hot? I think yellow is our color.

Okay, not really. We actually got matching aviators. I really like them. They were 2 for $10, and I lost my sunglasses last weekend (ahem), so I'm excited about these, and I've wanted aviators forever, but haven't been able to find a pair I like. Most are too big, too gold, or too mirrored.

I lost the ebb when I found the flow with you...

I can't stop thinking about this weekend. It was amazing. And funny. And kind of awkward.

Sometimes, when I'm sitting in the library doing work, as I am currently, I look around, and the only thing that comes to my mind is "Wow. Tools. Everywhere." Like, I'm literally surrounded by douchebags. I don't know if I just think this because I generally think people my age act idiotic, or that there's just a lot of people at Elmira who don't know proper library conduct, particularly during the week before finals, when people are legitimately working in the library. Furthermore, why do people come to the library dressed like they're going to a bar or a party? It's, well, toolish. Let me bounce around with my purse and talk to my friends like we're in the privacy of our dorm rooms. Thank god for headphones.

I got the draft of my Senior Seminar baby back today. Thankfully, the damage wasn't too bad. Shep is an overly critical grammar/clarity freak, which I actually appreciate because it's really improved my writing, so it's bleeding red, but not as bad as some of my friends. He said it was very well-written, and he just wants me to clarify a couple of points and fix my endnotes (that would be a fail, haha, but no one did them right), so I'm feeling pretty good about that class right now.

Had my Pilates final today. That was a bitch. Not really. I like Pilates, but that class has severely hindered my nap time, making me not want to go. And honestly, I prefer yoga.

So anyway, between me and freedom from academia, I have to finish editing my Sem paper. I have an exam for History of England next Thursday. I have two briefs to prepare for Law and the Courts. I have a 6 page paper for Individualism and Community in American Life. I have to rework my Research Methods paper (he thinks I need to measure economic growth by something other than GDP growth, and do a chi-square rather than a regression line. It really shouldn't be that bad though). That kind of sounds like a lot, but based on all of the shit I've been doing in the last few weeks, it's nothing.

Finally, tonight we have elections for new College Republicans officers. Honestly, I'd be sad, since I've been in that club all four years and in part it's kind of defined my niche here, but I frankly hated that club this year. I'm glad to be done.

laughs.

my life gets exponentially more awkward with each passing day.

Oh no!

I just realized that I have my last ever Charlie Mitchell class tomorrow. This is really really sad for me.

I was rudely awakened by a fire inspection today, which was awkward because I wasn't wearing pants, but thankfully I was in my bed. Our room is a disaster, so it was kind of embarrassing. I haven't had a random fire inspection in the four years I've been here today, so of course it's on the morning I'm not wearing pants because my room was 800 million degrees last night. Oops.