And you've accomplished what, exactly?

So Bruce played the Glastonbury music festival the other night. Obviously, I wasn't there, but I'm incredibly excited by the fact that he came out during the Gaslight Anthem's second stage set. I don't think you'd see a ton of major artists of Springsteen's stature do that.

And like I said, I wasn't there. But I follow setlists, and I read reviews of every show, both from fans/posters of BTX (www.backstreets.com/btx), and from the press. I usually watch one youtube video per show, unless there's a pro-shot posted on brucespringsteen.net, in which case I watch that. So, on Sunday, I read some reviews of Glastonbury, and I heard that a.) the set was brilliant, and b.) the crowd loved it. Obviously at a major music festival like Glastonbury, not everyone there is a Bruce fan, since there's countless other acts playing as well, but word on the street is that the crowd loved him.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I log onto BTX today, and see this review from a UK newspaper that I've actually read before, called The Guardian. I will post it in full, and I will add my comments in bold. Prepare yourself for the shit storm...

There is a religious quality to Brucedom (yes, that's what I've been saying). Disciples tend to tell benighted heathens that all they need to do is let Springsteen into their hearts and surrender to his almighty Bossness. "You have to see him live," they say. "All will be revealed." Doubtless some people at the Pyramid stage on Saturday had a Damascene experience but for many others, in those parts of the field which thinned out dramatically during the elephantine, two-and-a-half hour set, the light failed to materialise (since when is a two and a half hour set elephantine?).

On one level, Springsteen's sheer passion and energy are something to behold. He gives a good impression of being the most virile 59-year-old on earth, running, soloing, hollering, and sweating the good sweat (truth). Next to Neil Young, who would look at home sitting in a rocking chair scaring children off his lawn with blasts of feedback, he looks like Hercules in denim. Everything about him is writ large, in block capitals, underlined. And if it grabs you, if the immensity strikes you as majestic rather than faintly ludicrous, it must be thrilling stuff. Alas, this critic, despite doing his homework, putting in the hours and opening his mind to the fullest, found it fundamentally silly. (Damn straight BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN is majestic. Name another person of his age who is still able to pull off what he does and has been doing since 2007 without a break, and has been doing off and on, with only minor breaks, since the 1960s. His shows are exhausting for concertgoers, the band and BRUCE notwithstanding. I mean, I'm 21 years old. The day after the Hershey show, I could barely walk or get out of bed. Watching him is exhausting, let alone being him. Bruce puts on a killer show, and I know that there were 15,000 people in Buffalo and 35,000 in both Foxboro and Hershey who would agree with me, let alone the amount of people at every other show he's played. What would you rather he do? Stand still and play his guitar without moving? Not interact with the crowd or try to make them enjoy themselves? Play every song EXACTLY how it appears on the original recording? Forgive me, but I'm pretty sure you'd be criticizing him under those circumstances as well. And based on crowd involvement that I've seen, most people don't actually think it's "ludicrous.")

For someone acclaimed as a perceptive blue-collar bard, he's rarely far from self-parody. Many of his songs sound like numbers from a Broadway musical about a guy who works in a garage (Not true. Explore his catalogue a little more. Not all of his songs pertain to "working in a garage." In fact, only a small percentage would meet this description). If you drank a shot every time he sang the words work, dream, streets, highway (as opposed to any other American songwriter. Those words are crucial to the "Americana" form of music that encompasses artists ranging from Woody Guthrie to Pete Seeger to Dylan to Bruce to Tom Petty to John Mellencamp and Bon Jovi. And please, I beg you, oh Mr. Critic, to find an artist who doesn't use those words ever. You'd be hard pressed, I believe. And yes, Bruce has some common themes that run through his songs, but that is part of the reason why people relate to him. Plus his songs sound different, which is more than you can say about many artists that we're supposed to admire. Michael Jackson, I'm looking at you.) or refinery (Ah, yes. A well-researched review, I see. I'm 99% sure the only Bruce song that uses "refinery" is "Born in the USA." Oh yeah, he didn't play that at Glastonbury), you would be unconscious within an hour (less than halfway through the set) (Do you know how many artists and movies my friends and I have used for drinking games? A lot. It's easy to do with anyone). During Working on a Dream (two shots), he begins testifying like a southern preacher, or, more accurately, like a Saturday Night Live comedian doing an impersonation of James Brown, about building a house of lurve, a building of soul and a loft extension of hope (read: During Working on a Dream, he begins rapping like a southern preacher who truly believes in his cause and what he is saying, and despite criticism from even some of his most devoted fans (not me, I love the preacher rap), continues to do it because he believes in it).

But then it seems that the whole point of Springsteen is that he's a colossal, unashamed, scenery-chewing ham (Oookay. And you're an angry rock critic who has accomplished absolutely nothing with his life and made your living by criticizing others. Those who can't do...But I digress.). Born to Run is both the most preposterous song in his catalogue and the most heart-thumpingly joyous (Preposterous? Try "relatable. I mean, someday girl, I don't know when, we're gonna get to that place where we really wanna go, and we'll walk in the sun, but til then...Who can't relate to that? How is that preposterous. Easy now, Mr. Critic Man. You're taking a song that has inspired millions of people for 36 years, and essentially calling it absurd and ridiculous). Dancing in the Dark and Glory Days are elevated, rather than marred, by their corny use-before-1985 synth riffs (Key word being "1985." Everyone knows that 80's music is corny, and the Born in the USA album is no exception. Now, BITUSA isn't my favorite. In fact, it's like a distant 5th to The River, Born to Run, Magic, and WIESS, and I recognize the corniness of the synth. But don't single out Bruce for it. Let's look at artists who have used synths. I'd list them but it would take too long. The difference is that many of the 1980s synth music was put out by one hit wonders, and those songs, yes, you, Tainted Love, are viewed as 80's gems and nothing more, whereas Bruce's songs actually had the audacity to transcend generations, and not just as party music, cough cough, Culture Club, but music that actually means something to people. And I quote "Man, I ain't nothing but tired, man I'm just tired and bored with myself," and "As time slips away, it leaves you with nothing mister but boring stories of glory days." Lyrics that mean something to a lot of people). More of a problem than the garage-guy lyrics, the oh-lawdy business and Clarence "Big Man" Clemons's reliably ghastly sax solos (ghastly? Find me a solo equivalent to Clarence's Jungleland solo. I've seen that make grown men cry), is the realisation that, despite Springsteen's stature, he has very few songs that have entered the mass consciousness (ahh, but is every song that has entered mass consciousness good? Examples include such musical geniuses as Flo Rida, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Brothers, Soulja Boy...anyone who has turned on a radio at some point since the 1990s has had music by these people stuck in their heads. That doesn't mean it makes any of the aforementioned "artists" respectable or worth listening to) . Only the three just mentioned – along with Because the Night and Thunder Road – excite mass singing all the way to the back (Well, you are in Glastonbury, at an all-encompassing music festival. A great deal of the audience was there to see other performers, yet Bruce still rocked it. I'm not sure that's where Bruce's main audience is. Does Bruce get a ton of radio play? No, and that's a separate rant entirely. However, there is a reason that he's the number one selling American artist EVER, and overall, only third behind The Rolling Stones and Celine Dion, who he will probably overtake soon). Calls for Born in the USA go unanswered. Fair enough, because it's a good song (And again, you're wrong. It's actually his worst song, except maybe "Pony Boy," which you should go listen to because it's brilliant. I mean, what's not to like about lyrics like Pony boy pony boy, won't you be my pony boy, giddy-up giddy-up giddy-up whoa, my pony boy. Kidding about Pony Boy [the laughingstock of Brucedom] aside, Born in the USA isn't a good song. It's overproduced and completely misunderstood, which makes it annoying. Diehards, casual fans, non-fans, and pretty much everyone but radio DJs recognize this. Furthermore, it's content is no longer relevant, and Bruce has a plethora of other songs that don't pertain to Vietnam to use when he wants to get political.) massacred by its bombastic arrangement and is now avoided by the very man who made it, but during long stretches of bar-band rock (you say it hasn't entered the mass consciousness, and now you're calling it bar-band rock? Hardly. That would mean his music has to be played in bars.) and American Land's horrible Irish jig (not meant to be a serious part of the show, but to end it on a fun note. And fun it is. What isn't to love about lines like "Dear, I hear that beer flows from the faucets all night long?" Bruce is merely trying to end on a song that was a hit during the Seeger Sessions tour.), one wished he would throw another bone to the agnostics (and yet, if he played a "greatest hits" type show, you would call him an oldies act who is washed up. Bruce can't win. Plays his new stuff, people complain that he doesn't play his old stuff. He plays his old stuff, people call him irrelevant).

There were the odd special moments. Springsteen paid tribute to his hero Joe Strummer (actually, Strummer really admired Bruce as well. Don't act like it wasn't reciprocated.), by opening the set with Coma Girl, a relatively unknown Mescaleros track that was written on the Glastonbury site itself. Apparently, his band learned how to play it on the tour bus down. Being bored, irritated and only occasionally thrilled by the man routinely called the most electrifying performer in rock is no fun at all. He is clearly a good guy with a heart as big as New Jersey, he radiates warmth and charisma and he is, on occasion, a marvellous songwriter (on occasion? his songs are all brilliant. Except "Pony Boy," of course. I mean, even Born in the USA was brilliant when it was relevant. Do your homework). Who wouldn't want to be converted on a Saturday night in Glastonbury? (From what I've read, a lot of people were converted). Unfortunately, this critic felt like someone standing in front of a magic-eye picture and being told that, if he stares long enough, he will see the Statue of Liberty but who finds, two-and-a-half hours later, that it's still just squiggly lines (come to the USA, we'll show you a better time :) I went into my first Springsteen show as a big fan with a love of Bruce spanning 14 years. I left the show as a diehard Springsteen fanatic who looked at Bruce as her god and knew she would be a fan for life, and I know I'm not in the minority).

Honestly though, this man is ridiculous. If any of this is true, Bruce would not be as successful as he is now. That being said, I do think that there is something about Bruce that you have to "get." However, let's look at the people who "get it" or "got it..." (besides 32,000 registered BTXers and the Springsteen faithful): Bob Dylan, Joe Strummer, Bono, John Lennon, Eddie Vedder, Jackson Browne, Tom Petty, Michael Stipe, The Killers, The Foo Fighters, John Mellencamp, Adam Duritz, Tom Hanks, Steve Earle, Bon Jovi, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Adam Sandler, Ryan Reynolds, Mike Ness, Mickey Rourke, Cameron Crowe, Warren Zevon, Kenny Chesney, Nick Hornby, Sarfraz Manzoor, Rage Against The Machine and countless political leaders. I would trust the opinions of most of these people. And then there's the influence that Bruce has had on up-and-coming artists, like Jesse Malin, The Gaslight Anthem, Birdmonster, Serena Ryder, Tegan and Sara, Marah, The Hold Steady, Arcade Fire, Mat Kearney, Badly Drawn Boy, Pete Yorn, Valencia, Sara Bareilles, Josh Ritter, Joseph Arthur, Julianna Hatfield, Against Me!, Wyclef Jean, Ted Leo...I could keep going. Obviously, Bruce isn't the overplayed, washed up, lame act that this guy is making him out to be.

So, sir, you can keep your agnosticism. As for me, I'll continue to pray at the Church of Springsteen for the rest of my life. And honestly, without you, there's more room in the GA section for me anyway, because you know that true believers usually sit as close to the pulpit as possible. And to quote my southern preacher/SNL comedian, "take me to the river/wash me in the water." And now, I have a bootleg of Glastonbury waiting for me.